It always makes me smirk when I see couples fall in love. Everything is hunky dory when you fall head over heels for someone. You first meet her at a fundraiser you have no intention of attending. You feel “like shit” that night, but your work colleagues convince you it’s for a good cause, so you shower, brush your teeth, dab the little that’s left of your Boss NO. 6 on your neck and notice the prickly stubbles on your face. You contemplate shaving, but you’re so vain, you’re convinced most people who attend these functions are overweight, unattractive and not worth wasting one of your Fusion 5 razor blades for the event. Hence, you grab whatever piece of clean clothing you find in your closet and leave.
It is disconcerting how some of the most memorable moments of our lives happen when we least expect them. You can visualize the future until you’re blue in the face, and nothing happens, and then when you don’t give a flying doodle about anything, the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen is standing right in front of you in all her glory. The band is playing, it’s loud, and you initiate the conversation by offering her a drink without thinking twice.
The two of you hit it off and chat for hours. Both smitten with each other. It seems like the beginning of something worth pursuing. You’re so into her she could be a post-op transgender and you would not care one bit! You tell her you’re into bodybuilding, but she’s not much into lifting weights, although she’s willing to try if you teach her. She tells you she’s vegan and you reply you couldn’t go more than a few days without eating a big juicy Angus steak. She finds it hilarious but convincingly tells you not to worry because she’s an exceptional cook and you will convert in no time with her amazing recipes. You didn’t know Vegans cook, but you just listen and keep quiet. You ease the tension by telling her you’re no chef, but you’re one hell of a dishwasher. She laughs out loud. You’re both having the time of your life.
She babbles about how she’s into “zero waste”, composting and saving the planet. You have no clue what “zero waste” means, but you play along, assuming it has something to do with recycling, so you commend her for it. You pretend to know what you’re talking about, and timidly tell her you recycle when you can, but the truth is you don’t discriminate with garbage. It’s all thrown into the same dumpster because you’re too lazy to sort it out. Her face lights up and she tells you it would thrill her to teach you everything you need to know about “zero waste” and composting. She already believes in her heart that she can change you. You have the will to change, but that’s another story.
You dance a few slows, make out a little as the night is ticking by quickly. Back at the bar, she pulls out a pack of smokes, searching her pockets a few seconds, she asks you for a light. Stupefied, you tell her you don’t smoke, but the truth is you despise the smell of cigarettes, although you keep that to yourself. She tells you she’s an occasional smoker on the cusp of quitting. She agrees it doesn’t go with her present lifestyle, but insists she will have no problem ridding herself of the habit soon! You discreetly let out a sigh of relief and smile, convincing yourself she’ll quit, because all that matters right now is her great ass!
You finally ask her if she’s into gaming, and she gives you an affectionate smile before telling you she loves games, particularly trivia games. Your infatuation with her has sucked the little common sense you have left out of your mind, so you convince yourself you like trivia games. You tell her you like PC games, omitting to mention you play them like a Pentecost in a trance. Puzzled, she asks you what a PC game is and you tell her about the latest strategy games you’ve played and how she would love “point and click” adventure games, puzzle solving and getting immersed in these fantastic virtual worlds. She seems enthralled by what you’re telling her, even though she’s clueless about the subject. The night ends, but you exchange phone numbers and plan on seeing each other again. The butterflies in both your stomachs are having an orgy, you’re both so love struck.
You date for a few months and eventually tie the knot, because you just want to be together all the time. You settle into your newly purchased home, spend most of your evenings doing activities together. She trains with you and you cheer her on when you find out she’s almost done with nicotine anonymous. You follow her “zero waste” protocol, throw your food scraps into the compost, eat lots of Broccoli, even though you notice your muscles atrophying. You decorate the house together, go grocery shopping as a couple, and even play some video games together. You bring her flowers once a week to celebrate your weekly anniversaries and you go eat out at least twice a week. Not to offend her. You quietly sneak out of bed to go play your video games in the middle of the night because you still need the challenge of experienced online gamers to enjoy yourself. In her eyes, you’re the perfect couple.
A few years go by and things could be better. One evening, she rushes home from work because the two of you have a dinner date with friends and she doesn’t want to be late. You’ve been on vacation for the last week, so she expects you dressed and ready to go when she gets home, but to her dismay, you haven’t stopped playing the newly released Last Of Us Part II since it came out one week ago. She freaks and goes on a rant about you being disrespectful and irresponsible, and she shuts the PS4 without apologizing. You sit there for a moment, unshaven, with your messy hair covering your eyes. Your once legendary abs are now padded by a pudgy potbelly that slightly protrudes over a pair of sweatpants you’ve been wearing so long a stench of foul-smelling odors emanates from within. Pensive, you get up against your will and head for the shower. Once in the shower, you sing louder than a snitch at an FBI interrogation, enough to let your frustrations out because you can’t fathom what just happened.
The following month, you are ecstatic over the abundance of PC games being released in the same week. You buy all the ones you had on your wish list. You can’t wait to get home to try out your recent purchases when, to your surprise, your PC is no longer there. Instead your wife, who’s popping smokes like they’re Popeye candy sticks, is painting the room. She tells you the color was bland, and she needed to replace it. Meanwhile, your computer is in a coma on the couch and you can’t play your games.
Weeks go by and you spend more and more time playing your games. Thursday nights when your wife asks what plans you have for the weekend, you know the answer, but you pretend you have nothing planned. Everything she suggests isn’t interesting to you, so you convince her to go out with her friends. You much prefer spending time in solitary, playing your games than going out. You think you’re a master strategist, but she gets you, she just doesn’t say it.
One more year has passed, the house is in shambles, “zero waste” is the name of your latest PC game, the compost looks like the killing fields, your wife smokes like a defective car muffler, your workout schedule is like the participants of my 600 pound life, your pants are two sizes bigger, the mere site of Broccoli makes you want to hunt a wild Rhino, Trivial Pursuit is in the garage stored under your winter tires and the only conversations you have are about the weather. Life goes on normally, because love is bliss. At the dinner table that night, she tells you she’s going on vacation with two of her girlfriends. You’re very disappointed when she tells you it’s only for one week.
She gets back from vacation and the first thing she sees is you sitting at your computer desk, eating a super-sized bag of chips while playing a PC game. She greets you and smiles politely, but you barely acknowledge her presence. That night, she tells you she wants a divorce. You sob and you tell her you don’t understand why she would want to leave you. You make your point by telling her you’re a noble guy; you don’t fool around and you’re home pretty much all the time, except for work and that one time per month when you go to the gym. Feeling she won’t change her mind, you tell her you’ll change, and do anything to please her. You tell her to ask you anything and you’ll abide. She tells you she’ll consider staying if you dedicate only one night a week to gaming. She mentions you need to devote the rest of the week to your relationship.
You sit there with your mouth open, contemplating what your life would be like if you could only play your games once a week. She’s the one you married and not your PC, so how is it you want to spend more time living vicariously through virtual realities that don’t exist instead of spending it with her, when, a few years back, you were willing to cultivate a Broccoli plantation for her? You agree to her terms, but you don’t realize you still continue playing your game while you’re speaking. She walks out of the room silently and looks at you for a moment, playing your game like an obsessed teenager seeing a Hustler magazine for the first time. She realizes things will never change, so she packs her things and leaves, but you don’t notice a thing because your computer crashes just like your life is about to crash.
